Something.. that's been on my mind.
So.. I've been thinking about this for some time now.
I've been in this fandom since October of 2011.. I've been making PMVs since November of 2011. PMV making is really all I know in this fandom. I'm not a writer, I'm not an artist, I can't animate, so for the past almost three years, this is all I've known and done. I've been working with Sony Vegas throughout its iterations for going on ten years now. To be more precise, since about 2005.
I've learned quite a bit, and have been refining my craft for years. Every so often I go through my library of videos to take a look at what I've done. .and it upsets me. It truly, truly upsets me. You can compare my works from 2014, to my works in 2012. They're hardly different, I bring nothing substantial to the table.
I once aspired, when first joining the fandom.. I aspired to make a name for myself. Represent what time practice and dedication could do. In almost three years, I've yet to meet that goal of mine. And as of now its the dim light faintly shimmering at the end of the endless tunnel. What I do isn't impressive. What I do doesn't require skill. What I do requires you to have a dream that motivates you to push forward to nothing. There's not much left for me. The competition has tightened way too much. I don't mean competition in that I want to be better than others, but that what I am trying to do, people are doing better than me. And as I said in my interview, I won't do something if somebody can accomplish what I want to do and do it better.
I've tried learning Adobe After Effects because I've exhausted my resources provided in Vegas Pro. Some of the best videos I've seen have been made in After Effects, not Sony Vegas Pro. But I'm nowhere near that level. I've got a week's worth of experience in After Effects, and nearing 10 years in Sony Vegas Pro. If my work from Vegas Pro is any indication, then it isn't worth my time to learn After Effects.
I've been trying my hardest to bring forth my name to the forefront of PMV Making. From multiple overhauls of my channel design, to attending as many collaborations as I can. I started here as well to try and put my name out there a bit more. None of this has made a difference.
Perhaps.. my time here is done? Maybe I'm just.. not the one to accomplish the dream I had set? I don't know, truthfully I don't. Many times I've been shot down proposing ideas to those I idolize. The very people who motivate me to push forward. And that's only been more and more nails through this theoretical coffin of mine. Since I've been in the fandom as long as I have, I've had the chance ot watch newcomers blossom and become great. Out of thin air here comes someone, a nobody, and they just blow up. Why? Because they're much, much better than I am. And for good reason.
I've told this story many times to many of my friends. StormXF3 - you know the one who does the Real Life Ponies video series, right? I saw him when had was very small, known by nobody, and was just one person having fun editing videos. I decided to help him out. Throw him up in a few videos I was making, put him on my channel, give him some shoutouts, etc. He's become more than twenty times as popular as I have now. And I've since become a nobody to him. Much like the rest of the fandom has. What better motivation is there than watching the people you've helped grow up and forget about you?
Maybe I've got the wrong idea here - maybe I'm looking at this wrong. I don't know. All I know is that for quite some time I've been drastically losing inspiration to push forward. Maybe this is for good reason, maybe it isn't. I can't say, because I don't know.
Thank you for reading this.